Monday, November 9, 2015

Gale force wind prevails


Job Safety Analysis: No pain, no gain....if you eliminate all risk, you stand still. No rise. No fall. Nothing at all. If you are invested in the outcome of anything, the risk is injury...

Life is work. If you show up routinely, you will get wet, or burned. Or electrocuted, or fall... If you mind your business, your chances go down slightly.

My Hon said, don't show up for work if you can't take your feelings being hurt."

I always thought living without passion, was a kind of sin. I'm the kind of woman who is do or die, and I put all my heart in, to W.I.N.

I figure we all die, trying. Might as ride it for all its worth.
"I spent a year in that town, 
one Sunday."

George Burns


When it's good, it is all good. When shit fails, it's epic. Giant explosion. Debris for miles. Risk like the wind has a variable quality. (At the tumbleweed its called, wear and tear.

I let a third party be in charge of my over-active imagination. I'm a little dangerous to myself, anyway, if I have no set direction or destination in mind when I get restless.

Boy Howdy, I can get going when a Gale force wind prevails. .

And I was taught drastic action and force were necessary in cases of crisis. In other words, I jump started my miserable encounter, because I was emotionally attacted to the details.
My plight, a force of habit and poo-poo-duty.


I finially found the new beginning I was chasing from North Dakota to Texas, and Colorado, plus a few more towns. I was surprised to find myself here despite my dedicated search. I was so grateful and excited I began to get worried. I began to treat my situations, my encounters, my daily duties, like I had never left my old life behind.

LOL.
I always forget to budget for the rebound date, doubt. That inner asshole who likes to sabotage.

"What if its not real and I don't deserve it." A hand-me-down, garbage story My Mokey, shouts. There is no place in my new life for the same old situation. I'm all learned the hard way we need to lock out, tag out, watch for hazards, and wear protective equipment, when we show up for work...
Take risks....Live.

So, I'm a long way from where I am going but at least I believe myself when I look at the mirror.
 I have a little unfinished business from my old life, that I need to tend to. And, I'm okay that I don't get a brand new me to go with my new life. I'm not alone with my emptyness.

Because mistakes, every single one of them, are forgivable.

A gale force wind that prevails...Destroys property, displaces families. It takes best friends, and Grammies, and dogs.

I held a personal, private safety meeting with myself this morning. I asked myself a question with that first cup of coffee....before life coult distract me.
Are the people I'm with, and the things I'm going after, are they necessary? Useful? Helpful? Rewarding?

 For any of us?


I was so afraid the white flag of surrender might make me dull and mute. For a minute I had to really stand still and listen. Wait patiently.

Then I discovered, to what do I despair.

Doubt is My Monkey's name. And we've been together, since the beginning of time.

He's not really mine. I adopted him. True story.

Well, I finally arrived in this new life I thought I might never find; exhausted and busted from the Gale force wind that prevailed.

Top to bottom, to left of center and back and forth and to and from and over and out of the lower 48, I a round a bout found, that even when one is wrong, evil or lost, and even if you never get found, God is and always will be
merciful. 

It tickles the hole in my soul that is almost empty.

I might have planted it, myself, but I can tell already whatever is now ready to sprout from this hole of a soul is going to grow hearty and WILD, like a weed.

I guess I can finally appreciate how empty is not such a bad thing. And maybe even a blessing.
At the very least it is the perfect ending, and perfect beginning of a circle, and compost one of those seeds that fell of this old naked stick bush, dancing.

Holes are my deprtment anyway. I once was the Nevada State Mucking Champion....

Besides, isn't the SOUL the only hole we really have the Duty to fill up? No poo involved? No bullshit allowed? Count me in! I am ready, willing and able.


My advice to myself, at this place, given my sense of direction and my sense of time. Get a (Jump) Start.
Right now, wherever you are.
Use what you have.
Do what you can.
Wear, and use your personal protective equipment.
Then do your job.
For the rest, LET God, be merciful.



Go to the beach!


Loves,
HjB








Tuesday, November 3, 2015

She is: Already wild.




Dont shut the gate.

 Let her be in 
and out.
Don't Locke the gate
leave it alone, tonight.

It's freedom.
 Raw. Horizon. 
That leaves her inspired.

She is 
Already wild.

Please,
 don't fence her in.
And she won't let you go

Because,
It's freedom.
And raw horizon.
That makes her wild. 

She is already perfect
in the raw,
That girl
is meant to be who she is meant to be.
Or at least, already wild.



Create to motivate


My motivation.








Monday, February 23, 2015

Tumbleweed

A plant that breaks off near the ground in autumn and is blown about by the wind


any plant that breaks away from its roots in autumn and is


driven by the wind
        ... as a light rolling mass...

That would be me.

HjB

 notes: Webster’s New World Dictionary



Thursday, February 12, 2015

Will you be my Valentine

A handsome stranger drove in to T-town 10 years ago, and by some miracle, his life met with mine. 

Since our fist meeting, our lives changed. Our future; our goals, once individual, separate, were now entertwined. 
Without thought; with no care to if it was wrong or right; our hearts gravitated to each other.

That day we let go of "me" so you and I might be one; and as it was meant to be, the two of us became "We."


I knew it was amazing. Special. Perfect. It was so profound. So like I imagine a miracle might feel. It was unlike any experience I had ever lnown up to that point in my life, or since.

Still, I had no idea just how important you would be to me. 

If I had known. I would have warned you, how the time of our life would have us hanging on for dear life. Then I would have said....

You might not believe it because I don't often express it, and might never admit it again: you made me a better woman. 

And these two, beautiful men-child's you gave me, to worry about, and love also, are the greatest gift I have ever received. 


Boy, oh boy. Do you know, I love you and them with all of my being? 


I can't remember what I was doing or where I was going before you and I became we. I do know you gave me a purpose. Our boys, brought us direction. 


And now my heart is split into three prices, because with the gift you gave me, "we" became a family. 

And you three are so very precious and important to me. 
I love you. So, I ask you, Cory, Colton, and Clayton, on this Valentine's Day 2015, will you be mine? Will you three that gave me a place to belong, and I call my family......will you three most special loves of my life..,,be my valentine?

Happy Valentine's Day ya'll!
Loves,
HjB




Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Come here prosperity


am a versatile, loyal, reliable, productive, practical, cooperative and hard working employee.

I am ever mindful of how my actions affect the integrity of my employer, and so I strive to be ethical and professional in all my dealings with the public (customers). 

I am self motivated and have good time management skills, so I am goal oriented and can meet deadlines. 

I am an innovative and creative problem solver. I am also highly trainable. I am detail oriented, and have good oral and written communication skills.

I have a curious mind, and I enjoy the creative process, new projects and the mission to serve others which drives every facet of the service industry.


Then, the legal disclaimer... 

Anintroduction to the wild card side of the HjB. Ya know her....The Nevada born, to big for my own britches and more than little ginger. The one who is compelled to  even the odd score.

Disclaimer ..... I worship cowgirls. I can't  wAit to get dirty. 


I 'm slightly read, and never done with my rose colored glasses.

Also, my life is my continuing education; but I laugh my way down every row. At least I still survive, my personal adventure!



Now, ya might get caught with a smile; because at the tumbleweed feed "This is OUR Life," is our lease on life.


I am passionate about people and commerce, but not so much about the superficial grouping together of a mass in order to bring bulk goods and services to deliberately dulled souls....only because it's past time to evolve. 


I'm just saying: we used to cart our produce, and pigs, to market. 

D1: wildnevadan girl-woman is likely to slide off the tred-zone on occasion.


Or time after time.  That's my freedom and my poison.

And the super d, or double d.
DD: Ha. I have a sweet tooth for PRoSPeriTY.

Loves, 
HjB 
 

Friday, February 6, 2015

Why conspire? How does your garden grow?

"They" conspired to take my share, or somehow I had offered mine to sacrifice. At the end of the season there was no hoard. Only a dry, empty cellar.

So many times I came away from a let down and thought, "Damn, it didn't have to go down like that." I was never able to identify a root cause of this obvious unbalance. I thought it was just me. Or an unlucky streak, that persisted.

When i was more able to organize myself, I found myself 10 feet below ground, in a hole of debt and worry I had dug for myself. More, I was confused as to why I had dug myself such a hole. Again.

I can own the shovel and the hole, but I cannot quite take full responsibility for the how I found myself there. I know better than to be caught dead nodding in the direction of anybody else. But people with an agenda were available for advice, and tend to set me toward doom or kaboom.

It was almost lucky for some of them. I was all devote enough time but where the hell is it and could not concentrate on anything long enough to bear achievement. I could tell it was fast approaching, "go for broke." 

What a joke.

If it weren't for the money I would of never found myself asking myself, "Is the whole sand dune inside my nose? Can the wind really be this relentless?"

Apparently. 

I knew I was meant to learn the hard way. I was young when I noticed the trend. A habit,  that sends me from beginning to end like a spinning circle; And, that I could go on forever this way. Outlast the Energizer bunny.

But, This activity of the line wasn't lovingly tendered or well meant character building. Suffering is suffering. 

And I part of why I'm inspired to contribute my perspective, here, is Because I can sense it's time, to build a new perspective. 

I do not have time to sleep when I am dead. I want to utilize God's gift of free will before I actually meet him.

My life and use of each day is just as righteous as the  next guys'.

Why did I ever let the cruel beast of immature in?

Now my midlife-confession:  I was in the middle of my courtin' obsession. I got hit with the middle of a recession. Now, we ALL make concessions. Confessions.

I thought, if we ALL dig a hole to China it is not just a hole, it is a highway.
What does that say?



 
















I am too serious for someone who survived. I could still cry. It was a shame.

So sad to know too many who buy form with habbits, but cannot abolish them.

My reflection can show, I am blown away and about by the wind and whimsy more easily. Things do not seem as solid for me anymore.

I'm happier here, having found a foothold before the slip. But I will be forever peaked with an interest in how things are perceived. Im uncomfortable with how comfortable we are in our fake world with our fake ideas of ourselves and each other.

I get a shiver when I think about our loyalty to the fake ideas of a governement, for and by, we the people, who fake interest with the public interest. To who? And which what does it serve? 

I spent just enough time in line to identify with others who suffer. 

Who knows what could happen if we completely forget to observe Mother Nature and we recieve God by electronic device and thy virtual reality is thy devine? 

And here I worry about my kids and doubt every word in the "No-child-left-behind-the-bus-unless- nobody-is-watching-and-because-it-snowed--they-don't-have-shoes-to-walk-uphill-both-ways," book I must have found at the animal shelter. 

Yet I know I will stand before judgement by my adhindersnce to it.

I am too American to stand at the bottom of the hole for very long. 

Damn sure if I will be babysitting my hole when it is time to lay down in it.

More, I know that if I can change, then I might inspire another person to take the same challenge. And, then so can another, and another. I hope there are others who feel It is time to dismantle this pattern of individual state of being "without" responsibility.

I don't want to feed the pig anymore because it is blinded by and addicted to ideals which leave it unable to help the needy.

I cannot believe I tried to bend the natural laws of the Universie to my will. I see the cow path I wore down where I side step my own morals.

I hope I am not the only one ready to call my inner Fool out for a good thrashing after school today.

It hasn't been much fun to decide a new path for new morals.

My kids try to motivate me, with this phrase and and I tumbleweed wish it might inspire at least one of my fellow Americans, to climb out of the hole if it resembles mine.

"Hell-o. Can we get this show on the road?"

And they are right.


I don't have time to sleep when I'm dead. 

Can't we just get along and help each other? 

Hell-o! Would being helpful or thoughtful to each other cause a life altering state of being? a natural disaster? 

Ah hell,

 I- tumbleweed wish...


I tumbleweed wish ...

For your sake and mine.

I tumbleweed wish ... We could take a break from things and the "we the people that are FAKE."

Well?


To do nothing, does not attract me.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Broke



It is time to fight the right fight.

My Hon asked me, what the last post meant. I shrugged my shoulders. It meant that my emotions spawned by the disolusionment of one of my great loves made it next to impossible to express to the world, with logic.

In simple terms, the tumbleweed is stuck in a fence.

My love is my country. My anger, disapointment and fustration with the governement has caused me such inner turmoil, I can hardly see the beauty, anymore. My citizenary dealings with the government has left me so estranged, my contribution to the Gross Domestic product, my trudge and drudge, is totally disrupted. All I want to do is fight and get revenge. I am so wickedly pissed, I cannot logically explain!

So we are real clear, right now. My anger has nothing to do with Obama or Obama Care. My anger is at the system, which is supposed to help the citizens prosper, and does the opposite. 

It has everything to do with how the people of this country, the citizens, run things.

 And the mulch that gives feeds my seeds, i.e., the Wild Nevadans in training, and teaches them to become responsible product generators, is one pissed off red-head. 

Anybody who knows me, knows I've been off lately. I've been unstable and told everybody, even myself, exactly what I think about them. If they are still standing there when I am done, I let them know how I feel about my governement.

First of all, I am a rule girl. I like to know and follow them. That way I can truly enjoy my free time, and not worry about being in trouble or feel guilty for shirking my responsiblities. I feel like, I am a part of the collective whole, which is my state, my country, my world, or even the universe. 

I believe I exist because I am a part of and contributor to the whole. I strive to be a team player; maintain my own immediate enviornment so as to not be a suck on the larger environment. 

More, whenever I am able, I lend a hand to the bigger or another person's enviornment, so that collectively, we can all move forward.

The fact I do not want to participate, and tumbleweed wish I could retreat to the extreme rural recess of this land, and take my immediate environment "off grid," is a fairy tale. I will always be just hungry enough that I will maintain my travel lane.

But, alas, I have two real responsibilities in this life. Maintain myself within this enviornment, and contribute to the collective becuase the state of it directly impacts my survivial. 

To complain about the effort, is mute. 

Besides, I only suffer sometimes. I eat as may additives as I can afford, swallow every toxin I can get my hands on, and talk as much shit as the next guy on Facebook. 

And so this domestic product does its fair share of benefacting and decomposing. I occasionally wish I was more important than the next guy; But, we live pay check to pay check and downplay the hormones in our chicken. Just like you.

It is inside all of us to conquor and compete because we enjoy the reward; Who doesn't like to celebrate, and enjoy the fruit of our labor? It's a healthy human drive, and if God had not intended us to feel pleasure he would not have hard wired the human race to seek enjoyment. And, naturally, Without it there is little incentive to contribute or conquer, right? Without reward, in the natural world, we extinct.

But when we do government we play outside the natural boundaries of reality. It's patty cake. We pretend, promise. Pray it doesn't come due while we are in charge; and practice what we preach only while there are witnesses. 

When I say the government is broke I mean, it's BROKE. And the way we run things I expect eventually we will go broke.

 Why pay when you can cheat your neighbor and borrow off tomarrow?













Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Love: Life

 
 
we love because it's the only true adventure. -Nikki Giovanni 
 
 
 
No matter what way you slice your bread, there are two to 2,000,000,000 ways to look at any one subject or object. I have not been on hiatus; I have been on a journey. To be frank, my path has been wide, strange, and full of twisted obstacles. ....Holy Cow.

I am both compelled and hesitant to share my thoughts with you today. I am not confident I will be able to say what I must say; and have it come across like I would intend to.  Just rush through fear and sit next to the guy who will make it unbearable. I might as well compost whatever seeds I plant while I tumble along through life.

It came to my attention that I write and celebrate Love here at the Tumbleweed, but never went to the trouble to define the HjB's perception of mankinds' most powerful word.

To which I began to reflect, and research, and realize.

Love is almost undefinable, yet it is universal. And, a huge amount of power lies between the two ends of these planes. If I had to summarize it, I would say Love is the energy which drives us until our bodies die and start to decompose.

Love is Life. The two words, are synonyms to this wildwoman.


 

The research: I do not believe half the crap or quotes the world has published. I wasn't born under a bus, or yesterday.

Reflection: Love is squishy.

Realization: I know an evolution of my definition of Love is inevitable. To preserve it now will haunt me later.

Similar to a country song I once knew, the philosophy of my spirit in its natural, wild state is: If you ain't loving, you ain't living.

Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us." -Voltaire.   

Before you judge my proper use of English, I will insert that "ain't" is an important part of my wild ass philosophy. Ain't here tries to make light of the wildest side within us, which is sometimes a slave to its attraction to, and will abuse itself for the sake of, pleasure. Love having a pleasure point, it is easily used for disharmony for sake of pleasure...

I was raised with a fairly black and white, right and wrong perspective of all things, including love. Just like everyone else, the events of my life found me in this giant gray, middle ground which is very hard to navigate, without a map, and most interesting, complex, and void of my footprint. 

What a freaking adventure freak I am! The gray matter of love moves me to awe.

Love is beautiful in motion or standing still. Love is beautiful in the spotlight; in silhouette; and reflection. 

It is undefinable and universal. Between two people it does not consist of gazing deeply into another's eyes, but shares a point of view.

One quote that is spit out all the time, drives HjB wildNevadanwoman to distraction! Who dares to call the emotion of love, patient or kind? It knows no time limits. There are not boundaries. Love can be patient, and kind, but it is not always. 

If you don't know that your love can be held against you then you better be after your big girl panties. At some point, we are all so taken by our love that we will be made to survive the ride of your life. And, we all remember the first time we found the ground, hard, and don't we carry the scar forever?

As humans we are so hungry for love or angry over it, together, we might just dismantle our own evolution and crack a hole right down the center of Earth. I guess this is why we tend to extreme (obsess) or totally avoid using, love. So powerful is love, we humans find it hard to hold without abusing it. 

Love is the only perfect thing in this imperfect world. Even while love causes us to change it remains constant. Love encompasses, all. We are smart enough to recognize it but we are dumb enough to be jealous. Another unfortunate thing about love.


 

Just like youth is wasted on the young, love is wasted on humans. That is why I love the simplest of things, on the Tumbleweed feed. I will not spend my life wasted. Love elevates, and causes a chain reaction. It inspires. It creates more energy. It is motion.

As we ride the Earth in spiral to the end dial, respecting ourselves, each other, and our environment should be a top level priority. Yet isn't that the furthest thing from our greedy little minds? Why can't we maintain love, when we are born to love. Why don't we just kick away some of the fake, and fight the right fight?
  
I am not perfect. I have transmitted plenty of negative energy into my own relationships, and it has reverberated on to the Universe. 

Because love is the only thing important to me. It is the only thing I am willing to die for. I take a chance, with sharing my feelings with y'all. I am compelled to put back what I must take.

Why? Because, it troubles me that I often live without regard to my blessings, and either ignore or run from what is driving my energy force. Love is often scary. Besides, love being important, It boggles my mind that I can forget what I am doing, or meant to do, while I do it. 

Sometimes we demand love then forget to nurture it. When it's gone or wasted away, we say "It is not fair!" But, to waste is rejection and we really did run away because we were afraid of the same, rejection. 

To attract love and hold it takes sacrifice of our ego and faith in another. That means we have to sacrifice our facade and prove we are able to "get over ourselves."

And again, it doesn't make me feel "better" that I'm not the only one who needs to get over myself. .....As my Hon would say, real fast.


Just as there are many ways to look at any one subject, looking too closely or for too long, is going to cause, (even love) a slant. Evolution leads you to change what you love, while you are loving it. 

When you find yourself among what you do not love, it is, in my rough neck opinion, best to rush through the worst of the thorns and nurse loves' wounds. In or out of love, sedation is found in wisdom and not love.



If you love something or someone so bad that you are will to sacrifice your "self" to get it, you will grow. Two I's become we.

To give love will not always beget the love you receive. But, when you get off the ground and try again you will love your iwn heart a little more. It's a nice return. 

And, if you can express love, instead of search for or demand it, I promise, you will find, at exactly the right time, exactly what you need.



Because I've been here and done what has been done already, enough times I appreciate well spent energy. If you follow the tumbleweed you must recognize how love shapes each and every human soul. 

My seeds have been sewed, and composted.

Thank you for reading.

Loves,
HjB